Hello!

This isn’t a “mom” blog. It isn’t a “religious” blog either. It’s not a “how-to” article, a “10 ways to know that..” or a recipe box. I’m not selling anything or judging anyone. This blog won’t win a teacher of the year award. It won’t solve all your dinner time problems. This blog is mostly for me. It is the outward expression of my inward monologue. Read More

My word for the year 2020: simplify

I’ve been simmering on my word for the year for awhile. I really get into words. (I’m a little nerdy that way) In the past, my word has always been a verb, and action I can take. And I pair it with a Bible verse to focus on.

2017 Breathe.

2018 Thrive.

2019 Persevere.

My life is really good, but I still struggle with being overwhelmed, worn out, wanting to do more, help everyone, be all the things and have “it” together. Our culture puts a lot of noise in our lives too. My life is full of “stuff” and I just want to live simply and fully this year.

My word for the year: simplify. Because what God expects from me is quite simple and I love how The Message phrases it:

“But he’s already made it plain how to live, what to do, what GOD is looking for in men and women. It’s quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love, And don’t take yourself too seriously— take God seriously.”

Micah 6:8 MSG

And God does not want me to be overwhelmed, worn out, or wrapped up in my self.

Do what is right

Love being kind

Live humbly

Micah 6:8

Simplify isn’t just what I need to remove, pair down, or make simple. It is also what I want to add to my life: simple things. Things that are good and needed.

Simplify: make (something) simpler or easier to do or understand.

Simplify my home (organization and less stuff)

Simplify our routines and schedule (simple charts, extra time, less rush)

Simplify my faith (more focus, prayer, bible study, church community and journaling… and for me that means print bible studies and my paper Bible)

Simplify my social media (less time scrolling and only meaningful posts.)

So I’m planning to simplify daily and craft the life I’ve been given.

My recommended reading for simplifying

Live in Grace Walk in Love by Bob Goff
When Less Becomes More by Emily Ley
A Simplified Life by Emily Ley

Is there anything you would suggest for me to read?

Books Fix Everything: Resources to Fill Your Cup and Renew Your Spirit.

As a teacher, I had a back to school August so long and hard it bled into September and even a little bit of October. As a parent of a child with special needs, my son’s back to school start was also hard, however still way easier than years prior. But it still required additional effort and planning. And to add to all of that, my family was plagued by a season of mild sickness, one strep throat, ear infection and flu bug after another. My son battles seizures and can’t regulate his body temperature during sickness. So his simple sickness had more layers than a typical kiddo. With all of that, I found that I was sprinting my way through a rough season on very little sleep.

In order to regain my footing I did what any good English teacher would do, I bought three books and decided to read them all at once. (Books fix everything, right?) I wanted to fill my cup, because it was empty.

And guess what… a little over a month later, my cup is fuller. I’m not running on empty. It wasn’t magic and no one book or thing fixed everything, But by engaging in thoughtful discussion with these authors, my mindset shifted and I gleaned a few things to apply to my life.

These are a few of the books and resources really speaking to me right now:

The Lucky Few

This is a book I received as a gift last year. I started it then put in down. While I was sick with what felt like the flu 6 weeks ago, I picked this book back up. I devoured it over the course of three days. I didn’t realize how much I would have in common with a mother of three adopted children, two with Down’s syndrome. I could relate to her struggles. One quote spoke to my heart. “Just because something is hard, it doesn’t mean it’s bad.” I think this is counter cultural. We seek easy, convenient, and pleasurable. Having a kiddo with special needs is hard. Juggling sick kids and work, also hard. But it’s not bad. My kids are awesome. Typical sickness is normal, despite my son’s struggles with fevers and seizures. My job is important and meaningful. My family is beyond blessed, even in a rough season. Just because it’s hard, doesn’t mean it’s bad.

You are the Girl for the Job

This book is amazing. Like, I read chapter 10 and just started crying. I feel called to my job as a teacher, yet at times it can be incredibly hard. I could easily find a desk job that is less stressful. I want to please everyone, and I’m plagued with fear and doubting if I’m even doing the right thing. (Okay, maybe that’s the same way I feel towards parenting) The illustrations in this book will remind you God is God. He is the hero, but we are the gals he has called to bring light and life to a world where he has placed us on mission. (Pg 65) What if the circumstances we fear the most are the ones that will afford us the most abundance? (Pg160) Sounds a lot like the “What is hard, isn’t necessarily bad.” quote from The Lucky Few.

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you or forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” (Deuteronomy 31:8)

“I can affirm that you are the girl for the job because God has placed you right where you are, with all that you have, for a purpose.” (Pg 249) If you are needing encouragement, this book is the book.

Rhythms of Renewal and Grace

Filled with rhythms of resting, restoring, connections, and creating. It’s practical advice and self evaluation. These rhythms are intended to replace stress and anxiety with life giving purpose. (Pg 21) Just a good reminder that I have to fill my own cup in order to be the person I’m designed to be. “You cannot run if you cannot rest.” (Pg 76) This is the only book I haven’t completely finished. It’s longer and the text is deeper. It’s takes longer to read… in a good way. You need time to process and reflect as you read. I’ve finished the first two rhythms: rest and restore. I’m moving forward into create and connect.

I love her thought that we don’t just do rest and restore for self care, self actualization, or just our own benefit. But rather to fulfill God’s purposes of benefiting and engaging the world around us. (Pg 156) You know the saying, you can’t help others if… you can’t help yourself. Or the illustration that you put the oxygen mask on yourself first, before you can save those around you. So I’m focusing on rest and restoration!

Stretched Too Thin

The author’s voice is more logical than I would typically enjoy, but it is so practical and removes “mom guilt.” So many motherhood books based on faith make me feel guilty for working. This book is for the working mom and acknowledges the real stress and struggles without suggesting you just quit your job and stay home. It reminds me I am a value to my family for working, but balances that with self evaluation and ways to set yourself up for success.

Unexpected challenges easily push us over the edge when we are feeling stressed.” (Pg 69) Yep, I’m always one sick kid away from losing my marbles!

“There is no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one.” I love this quote!

Nothing she says is ground breaking, but was refreshing and a good reminder. I especially liked the reflections after each chapter: A place to journal and evaluate your situation.

Made for This (Season 2 – Podcast)

Based off her bible study Stuck, this season is focused on identifying and evaluating our emotions, the places we get stuck, and the God who sets us free! Each episode has been enlightening and encouraging. The guest speakers are phenomenal: Jill Briscoe, David Platt, Thelma Wells, Christine Cain and Mark Comer. And I’ve managed to use my 15 minute drive to work as a way to shape my mindset.

Emily Ley’s Teacher Planner

As I sat in a meeting with our campus administrators, I looked down at my planner: pale tan, coffee stained with bent edges. A $10 investment from Target looked like I felt: torn up, used, and broken. (I might be being a little over dramatic… but I swear, October was rough) I felt compelled to change my martyrdom attitude at work and also attempt to be a little more put together. This planner is bright, cheerful, and because I bought it in October, it’s half off. ($30… go buy one now!) I can’t help but smile when I look at it. I mean, I’ll probably still spill coffee on it, but… here is to a fresh start. (Emily Ley also sells planners for busy families and you can sign up for her emails with organization tips and tricks)

All of these books and resources pulled at a specific theme: finding your rhythm.

I love this term and I think I will replace “season of life” as frequently as I can. As a new mom, I would hear, “It’s just a rough season.” I enjoy spring and fall, but we Texans just try to survive August heat and muddle through Winter. I don’t want to “survive” or “muddle through” any season of my life. I want to find a rhythm that works for my family. I want to find rest and restoration, and then move forward so I can create and connect with humanity. I want to trade stress and anxiety for a life of peace and purpose. Life is messy and imperfect, but we are called to find calm in the storm in the arms of our creator.

Schedules, Routines, and Charts, Oh My! Creating Structure During Summer

How to structure your unstructured time, aka summer, from a mom still trying to figure out this crazy thing called parenting.

Why so much structure?

Most young children benefit from visual schedules, behavior charts, and are comforted by routines. Pre Kindergarten teachers are rockstars at this! However, some older children benefit form similar charts, especially those on the spectrum or with behavioral struggles.

My son, who is on the autism spectrum, can go maybe a day or two with less structure. And I can wing structuring just one day at home without a chart. But we have to have a chart to make it the store or even church without a battle. So anytime we have a three day weekend or school break, I have to bump up the structure. Without this structure and routine my child struggles with anger, obsession behaviors, living in his own world (introverted and not communicating) and bathroom accidents.

Creating Better Structure

I thought I did a good job providing structure last summer, but I didn’t plan enough social interaction with kids his age. (My best friends have babies or toddlers And other school age play dates fell through) However, When it came time for my teacher in service (two weeks of training), he bounced from relatives houses during the day without a set structure. And this left him a mess for the first day of school. And our first few weeks of school were… hard. Like epically HARD. My main goal for summer structure is to make the transition back to school less difficult.

Flexible structure

I love structure. I meal plan and lesson plan like a pro! (Only one of those do I have official training in though! And if ever given the chance, I could be completely unstructured and binge watch Netflix with the best of them. ) However, I told our ABA therapist that we struggle with creating such a set structure and then becoming locked into it and not being able to flex and bend. Y’all I have a two year old too. Sometimes things just don’t go as planned! So she gave us some recommendations, and I incorporated them into my planning. One such suggestion: using a white board instead of printed charts; It’s easier to adjust. I opted for chalk board charts and chalk paint pens, but it’s the same idea.

Setting priorities

My chart and routines need to be:

Flexible yet structured

Have planned bathroom breaks (this works for both kids… I’m about to start potty training my two and half year old… Lord help me!)

Give choice and variety at meal time but provide comfort by knowing what to expect. And create less whining at meal time. Yay! (Two year old needs this too!)

Include scheduled social activities

Provide daily outings, but plenty of time at home to stay caught up on cleaning.

A way to monitor behavior through set expectations and self regulation.

So, in an effort to curb undesirable behaviors and include both academic activities and social activities on a daily basis in a flexible, realistic, and manageable manner, I created these basic routine charts.

Meal Charts

I’ve done something like this before only with color bins for each food group and he could pick one item from each bin. But since my son can read now, this worked perfectly.

Breakfast: pick one item off the breakfast shelf plus milk or yogurt. No whining for juice!

Lunch: he gets his standard peanut butter sandwich or crackers plus a protein snack, fruit snack and then chips.

Dinner: A dinner item (my choice) plus his choice of a fruit snack. I do let have a reward for trying new foods… but that’s another post.

An organized pantry

I organized my pantry to reflect theses menu options. Now, my son wants me to add labels to each shelf on our pantry… well maybe. I also moved less desirable food options up higher and hidden in bins. Less whining but without labeling them as bad. I did create specific times we could have them… snack time or as part of healthy choices!

I’m insanely proud of this. Even after a week and a refill on groceries, this organization system works for me.

Daily Routine Chart

I began thinking about our normal flow and just added times. To keep it flexible I just wrote morning activity and afternoon activity. This way each day I can change the activity but the routines are the same. I added a little bit of free play time and movie time to save my sanity. I planned in bathroom breaks and specific times to stop and talk about behavior. (See behavior chart below)

Nap time: so this is where I had to stretch myself. Typically my daughter’s nap time is when my son gets to watch TV, and I get free time to read, write, whatever. I didn’t want to completely give this up, so I’m setting the expectation that he must complete one academic activity (math worksheet, journal, sketch pad drawing, etc.) that I sit one on one with him for. (10-30 minutes at most) And then he can pick a video for the following hour. So… I’m trying!

We wrote this the other day: it took twenty minutes. Heaven bless his teachers!

Weekly Routine Chart

Homeschool mommas are probably better at this than me. If I don’t plan outings and activities, I think I would just stay at home and then blink and a week would have passed and we would have done nothing. This was the best I could come up with. I’m working around my 2 year olds much needed nap time. So the simplest way was to plan an AM activity and PM activity. And we need at least one social outing each day. And I can mix it up each week while some items won’t change.

Behavior Chart

So… I had to actually ask our ABA therapist for a recommendation. Over spring break our strict behavior chart based on tasks was actually locking us into certain activities. And then my daughter got walking pneumonia… again. (She has asthma and week lungs) So my son had a few fits when activities changed. She recommended a self and match behavior system. (And we modified it a bit to fit our needs) Instead of being task based, like many behavior charts we tried before, we list three desired behaviors which can change each day. And after each activity we reflect and “match” I ask how he thought he did; sad face, smiley face or middle face. (We added the middle face) Then, I respond by saying how I thought he behaved. Each smiley face earns two points. But if our faces match… if he acknowledges he did not meet expectations he still gets one point. 5-6 points earn a star. Two stars earn a 5 min break (right now he likes The Pokémon game). Basically this system isn’t all or nothing. And it’s more about reflection to actually create a change in behavior. I keep a chart at home but can recreate it on a whiteboard or paper if we travel. Our ABA therapist is making us a laminated version for travel too.

My simplified version without the grid. And yes, we had one day at the start of summer where we just cleaned the house. It was a mess!

There is so much more to this method than my modified, but works for us, version. Want more info on the self and match system:

The Self & Match System: Systematic Use of Self-Monitoring as a Behavioral Intervention (With Digital Forms)

Instructions

Perseverance

Basically, this is a LONG post to say I’m really trying to stay structured. My word for the year is persevere. Not because I’m a quitter, but this kind of stuff is hard. And we have seen so much improvement, but I don’t foresee a time when this won’t be some variance of hard. My husband bought me this book called Persevering Parent as a gift for us to read together. (Quite the romantic gift right?) I completely acknowledge that not every kid needs this type of planning and structure, but mine does so I’ll do my best to give him what he needs. And I want to share what I learned, because I can’t be the only one!

Schedules, routines, and charts, oh my!

Welcome to Voices of Special Needs Blog Hop — a monthly gathering of posts from special needs bloggers hosted by The Sensory Spectrum and Mommy Evolution. Click on the links below to read stories from other bloggers about having a special needs kiddo — from Sensory Processing Disorder to ADHD, from Autism to Dyslexia!

Want to join in on next month’s Voices of Special Needs Hop? Click here!

When Quiet Time isn’t in Season: Ideas and resources to help you stay in God’s Word.

My quiet time isn’t super fancy. It isn’t Instagram picture perfect, despite my coffee cup pictures. It isn’t an hour long. But my quiet time is authentic, part of my daily routine, and fits my season of life. But I’ve seen friends hit a difficult season and the first thing that drops is time spent in the Word listening to God’s voice.

A three years ago I wrote about my quiet time not being quiet. (Link to blog post) All of that still applies, and a bit more; I’ve got another kiddo so it’s even more joyful (aka louder) around my house.

I have a beautiful friend and new mom who wrote about her adjustment to quite time after a baby. (Link to post) In her reflections, she found that God renews her strength even in her current sleep deprived season. I couldn’t agree with that more!

I’ve also seen the opposite. Friends who after a new baby or a tough season say “I can’t have a quiet time anymore. I can’t go to Bible study. I’m too busy. Too tired. I just can’t find the time. I’ll get back to it eventually.”

This makes my heart hurt because I’ve been there. Maybe it’s also because my quiet time hasn’t always been consistent.

I’ve had long periods of time where I wasn’t in the word every day, where I felt disconnected from a community of believers, and I made decisions based solely on my own judgment. Consequently, those periods are marked by moments of least joy, my least productivity, and feeling like like a ship without a sail.

There shouldn’t be a season for listening to God’s voice.

There are seasons to life. But listening to the voice of your God, your creator, isn’t for a specific season. It should be as important and as routine as being able to take a deep breath.

Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

Matthew 11:28-30 MSG

So how do I stay consistent?

1. Put aside preconceived non biblical notions of a quiet time. I grew up with a Southern Baptist Church Camp idea of quiet time: set aside a hour, be alone, be outside. Well, Jesus did go off to be alone from time to time. However, he didn’t set a timer. Waking up early, setting aside an hour is awesome but if your current season all you can manage is 15 minutes locked in the bathroom or 20 minutes during your commute, don’t feel guilty. Maybe you can’t swing daily, but five days out of seven you set aside to study. Maybe you can’t be alone. Maybe you need to study at the kitchen table while your littles are eating breakfast. Give God the time you have. Guilt stops us in our tacks. When the season changes, adjust and give more.

2. Build a community. Some call it having mentors, accountability partners, or discipleship but I call it my village. You know, the first ones you call or text when you need prayers. My hardest times have been when I wasn’t a part of a local community of believers (aka a church). Maybe yours is a Bible study group, or you text your BFF from college, a coworker or a Facebook group. But we all need someone to breathe truth into our lives.

3. Use the resources available. I remember when my only resource for bible study was a teen study Bible with a concordance or a Beth Moore Study. (Both awesome by the way) We are blessed to be in a generation with access to more: online bibles, online studies, a plethora of female Christian authors and studies. I’ve listed my favorites at the end of this post below.

4. Set realistic goals and be okay when you struggle. So, I’ve tried to do those Bible in a year studies before. I typically fall flat on my face in March. Between reading Leviticus and Deuteronomy during what I would call the hardest month for teachers, I get so far behind, I just quit. I need to admit it’s too hard, and set reasonable and achievable goals. A more achievable goal is just being in the word every day. Start one study and finish. Then another. Even if I don’t finish on the exact time table laid out. I’m an English teacher, and I have a twenty book challenge for my students: read twenty books in the course of a school year. But even those who don’t reach twenty typically have read more than the year before. They improved. The same goes for Bible reading: read a little bit more than before, know a bit more, be a bit stronger.

5. Respond in a unique way. Annotate, journal, sing, write, use colored pens! Okay, the colored pens is optional but truthfully the brain processes information better when we respond: talk it out, write it down, make notes. My mother’s bible was filled with notes in the margins. My digital bible has highlighted notes. My good friend does creative bible journaling. (Link here) IF Equip Bible study also offers creative ways to respond to the question of the day. However you choose to respond, those responses serve as a sign post of your thinking. I’m encouraged to keep going when I see where I’ve been.

You may have days when you get busy. Or a week of craziness where you forget. It happens. But hard moments are when you need truth the most. Make hearing from God part of your daily routine so when those hard moments come you aren’t scrounging around and grasping for nuggets of truth because they are already hidden in your heart.

Resources

A Good Bible
1. She Reads Truth Bible – I had a Teen study Bible in High school, An Oxford Annotated Bible in College. This is my season for a beautiful, easy to read Bible. This one is perfect. It has built in study plans and devotionals.
Online Bible Studies (I use the APPs on my phone)
1. IF Gathering/IF Equip – The app is super easy to use (and FREE) and you can respond through comments to a community of believers. The studies are engaging, current, and have deep, thought provoking questions. They also sell their studies on paper if you prefer.
2. She Reads Truth – The app has several plans available for free, but I subscribe for a monthly cost less than a cup of coffee. Current plans are free online. I love the images they have and the lock screens you can add to your phone to help you memorize scripture. They also have BEAUTIFUL print studies. I typically only order those for Advent or Easter.
3. YouVersion The Bible APP– An oldie but a goodie. Besides having the entire bible digitally and in multiple translations, they also have a plethora of plans of study you can try.
Print Devotionals & Bible Studies
1. Savor: Living Abundantly Where You Are, As You Are – This is the kind of Devotional I can go back to year after year. It’s year long but it’s short and perfect to pick up when you are in between studies.
2. 100 Days to Brave – Annie Downs writes more towards a single woman’s life, however I love her heart. I bought this devo for my sister in law.
3. Proven:Where Christ’s Abundance Meets Our Great Need – I did this study with a fiend. It’s really good. All of Jennie Allens’s studies push you to go really deep. I would love to do her newest study: Made for This: 40 Days to Living Your Purpose
4. Unshakable: 365 Devotions for Finding Unwavering Strength in God’s Word – I haven’t done this one yet – but it’s on my wish list!
5. Seamless:Understanding the Bible as One Complete Story I haven’t done this study but I have had friends who have – perfect if you want to gain an understanding of the Bible as a whole.
6. Looking for Lovely – I read the book but they study just goes deeper and ask questions. Perfect for a group to do together.
Inspiring Books, Audio Books & Podcasts: I use Audible for audiobooks from my favorite authors and listen to podcasts. (Note: I’m not really a podcast person, but it fits my season with littles and driving in the car so I’m trying) I realize that an inspiring book or podcast might not fit into your idea of “quiet time” but I have found that ANYTHING that put my thinking on God can ignite my passion and love for him. Always balance the voices of others, even inspiring people, with scripture.
1. I would recommend Jen Hatmaker (she narrates her own books and is hysterical) – A little over a year and half ago my 13 month old daughter was hospitalized with RSV and pneumonia. We were in the hospital for a week. I wasn’t sleeping. I was non stop holding her and woke up by nurses. This wasn’t the best situation for a traditional Bible study, but I needed some positivity. I downloaded her new book on Audible: Mess and Moxie: Wrangling Delight Out of This Wild and Glorious Life . I laughed, I cried, I prayed, I stayed positive in a disheartening situation. Her podcast is pretty awesome too. It runs the gamut between serious theology questions (such as the episode with Bob Goff) or just for fun (clothes recommendations, book series and reading lists). And because it frequents notable guest speakers it’s always exciting.
2. Any author you love but don’t have time to read their book: audio book! Some of my favorite inspiring authors are: (This in no way is a complete list, but it’s a few of my recent favorites)
  1. Shawna Niequist – Present Over Perfect:Leaving Behind Frantic for a Simpler, More Soulful Way of Living I loved this book so much I’m excited to read next one: Bread and Wine: A Love Letter to Life Around the Table with Recipes
  2. Christine Caine – Undaunted: Daring to do what God calls you to do (I haven’t read yet, but it’s on my wish list)
  3. Angie Smith – Chasing God – I love Angie’s heart a raw vulnerability.
  4. Annie Downs – Looking for Lovely There is a few chapters that changed my thinking: I watched the sunrise as I read Psalms and I painted my toenails as I prayed! (Also a bible study edition available )
  5. Rachel Hollis – Girl, Wash Your Face: Stop Believing the Lies About Who You Are so You Can Become Who You Were Meant to Be – A little edgyer, but she kept it real, and very motivational. She has a new book out I want to read: Girl Stop Apologizing.
  6. Emily Ley – Grace, Not Perfection: Embracing Simplicity, Celebrating Joy – Her life seems picture perfect, at that’s hard for me to swallow considering I live in “hot mess” zone. But if she needed grace, I do too. I took away nuggets of truth from her, including starting a photo memory spot to reflect on my joy.
  7. Chip and Joanna Gains – The Magnolia Story -Their story is beautiful and inspiring. They speak openly about the moments the listened to God’s voice. Plus, the narrate the audio book so if you listen it feels like they are your friends and you are just hanging out.
  8. If you notice, I kinda have a theme going: simple living, celebrating joy and being who you are designed to be. But you really can and should curate your own list.

What books, devotionals, or resources would you add to the list?

The Beauty Between

I have a confession: I’m not that trendy. I’m not an early adopter. In fact, with most trendy things, I give it about a year before I even try them. High waisted skinny jeans were popular and even my middle school students were wearing them, but once I realized they held my “mom” tummy tight: BAM, I was all on board. Same goes with music, maybe a student recommends something or my hipster husband sends me a playlist. But I’m never the first to discover anything.

It’s not new, but I’ve been listening to Kings Kaliedscope’s Album the Beauty Between. (It’s like two years old now) It’s been on repeat since summer depending on my mood. The lyrics go like this:

I couldn’t wait for the summer
But now I’m missing the spring
And I exhausted the winter
Craving what it couldn’t bring
Painting the world to be hopeless
Painting it perfect and fine
Put what I want on the canvas
Every color I design
How do I hold all of the discord?
All of my answers collide
Fightin’ for progress in quicksand
There’s no truth between the pride
Nobody sees all the pieces
Tricky to balance a beast
I am a pendulum swinging
Still I know You’re holding me

When the sky is falling, when life is a dream
I fortunately fall into the beauty between
Only God above me, painting my scene
I fortunately fall into the beauty between

I sometimes worry I only write about the hardships of having a child with special needs. Yes, there are hardships. Yes, I have learned more and had to be stronger than I ever thought possible. Yes, my life is a rollercoaster ride of highs and lows. But I would really like you to the see the high points and the Beauty Between.

The ear to ear smiles
The big hugs
The abounding laughter
The silly poses
The relentless giggles

Autism can feel like trying to put a square peg in a round hole. Or comparing apples to oranges and your kid is a pineapple. While I want my child to be a functioning member of society, to comply with rules, and to have empathy for others, sometimes I really do like that he is square pineapple.

I like that he memorized lines to movies and books before he could speak in self created original sentences.

I like that he remembers… everything.

I like that he will hold me to a checklist.

I like that he sometimes speaks in a British accent for no reason. Or Australian. (Or at least no reason that I understand)

I like that he has his own little world. When he tells me stories of that world, it’s like I’m there. I love his stories.

I like that everything is an adventure with him.

I absolutely love my child, not in spite of his special needs, and not because of it either. I love him because he is unique; that uniqueness is ingrained into his very core.

So, what I want you to know is this: your child having special needs is not the worst thing that could possibly happen. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, you will grieve the life you thought you would have had. Yes, you will have days where you want to scream or pull your hair out or BOTH!

And yet, I will continue to write about the low points, the struggles, the challenges and share any strategies that might help others.

But I don’t want you to miss the Beauty Between.

When the sky is falling, when life is a dream
I fortunately fall into the beauty between
Only God above me, painting my scene
I fortunately fall into the beauty between

Welcome to Voices of Special Needs Blog Hop — a monthly gathering of posts from special needs bloggers hosted by The Sensory Spectrum and Mommy Evolution. Click on the links below to read stories from other bloggers about having a special needs kiddo — from Sensory Processing Disorder to ADHD, from Autism to Dyslexia! Want to join in on next month’s Voices of Special Needs Hop? Click here!

Mom, I had a bad day

Recently a friend of mine asked, “What should I do when my child does something wrong?” She is a great momma with a young son with autism. He has had the diagnosis for two years, is receiving therapy weekly, and has a fabulous kindergarten teacher and support staff at school. So I think what she really wanted to know was, “How do I respond when my child, who is struggling to learn acceptable social behavior, misbehaves at school? And how do I handle the guilt of not being a perfect parent?”

It would be easy to pretend like I’ve got it all figured out. I’m a teacher and I’ve seen misbehavior in the classroom that stems from trauma, emotional issues, ADHD, autism, or a learning disability. Logically, I know misbehavior doesn’t mean “bad kid.” But at home, my story still sounds like my friend’s. I’m still asking questions. I still feel the doubt and insecurities of worrying if I’m doing the right thing. Yet, I’m battling these questions and doubts as I’m daily trying to be an advocate for my child.

Advocate:

a person who pleads for or in behalf of another; intercede

I am not an expert, just a mom. My family is not new to the diagnosis of autism. We have behavioral charts, visual schedules, modifications, and a team of loving caregivers to help teach my child how to behave in a way that is suitable to the classroom environment. But we still have bad days. So I get to practice this on a daily basis from a parent perspective. And practice makes perfect, right?

Imagine it’s one of those bad days. You get the dreaded note or phone call… your child hit/kicked/name called/refused to work. You might even be asked to come pick up your child if it’s been especially rough day. The long walk to the principal’s office. The shame of not being a perfect parent with a perfect child. You may feel judged… even when you are not.

Deep breath, momma. Don’t give a knee jerk response. Just breathe. And these are a few things you can try:

Ask questions

Ask to be told exactly what happened. Was the note home unclear? Send a follow up note or email asking what you would like clarified. Don’t jump to conclusions.

Personal example: My kid had a terrible Monday. It even started out bad at home too. When told he was having a meltdown at school, I immediately placed blame… on myself. That weekend has been unstructured. He spent the night with my in-laws so I could have a date night. I knew he was frustrated that morning. Basically, I guilt tripped myself without even asking what happened at school to set him off.

Whether you jump to place blame on yourself, the teacher or even your own kid:

Wait.

Ask questions.

Investigate further.

Walk it out.

Take a walk and ask your kiddo to talk about it. Why was it a bad day? What was the hardest part? How did you feel? How can we respond better next time?

Let’s be real here, if your child struggles with communication, this might be hard. So I ask questions then wait for a response. If there is none, I model my own self talk. “We don’t hit our friends, even when we are angry.”

So we just walk and talk.

I’m sure my coworkers have seen me walk my kiddo in the hallways asking deep questions. This is the same approach I take for my students as well. Conversations have value.

Sometimes we even wait until the next day before asking if it’s been an especially tough day.

Time In

At my house, we do Time In instead of time out. Like time out, you find a safe spot away from others to reflect on your actions. Unlike time out, this isn’t an independent activity. A parent or caregiver guides you through reflection and even a calming activity.

Example: My good friend’s son was diagnosed with Aspergers at a young age. Even trips to the store were a struggle to maintain socially acceptable behavior. She would hold him close, calmly whisper in his ear that she loved him, spoke a bible verse, then restated the expected behavior.

This is by far my favorite way to handle misbehavior in public. My parents were a leave the store and you’re getting a spanking when we get to the car type, so this is new to me and I get frustrated more than I would care to admit. But there is NO one who can speak ill of you lovingly redirecting your child. It stops the behavior, calms them, and redirects. (Ideally, it works… epic sensory meltdowns can be way harder.)

This concept reinforces the concept of unconditional love I want to be felt in my child.

I’m sorry notes

Okay, this may seem lame but this has been really successful for us.

I understand hitting and kicking during a meltdown. It’s not okay, but I get it. However, any time my child has hit or kicked in either a meltdown or as purposeful response, it’s not okay. Hurting people even if we don’t mean to has to be addressed.

Example: We write I’m sorry notes. At first, I would write them and he would draw a picture. Then he was able to start writing his name. Now, he can write an entire sentence. The whole time we discuss expected behaviors, what we might do differently next time, etc.

And selfishly, my favorite part is that, the child, teacher, or person effected knows we are trying. Trying to do better, trying our best, trying even though we aren’t always successful. (Can you hear the echoes of my mom guilt?)

No double punishments

When my nephew gets in trouble at school, he gets grounded at home. While this is an excellent concept for a typical kid who only struggles occasionally, this sucks for us. We believe in no double punishments. We will talk it out, address the issue, write I’m sorry notes but I’m just not doing double punishment. My home life would deteriorate and my child would be scared to talk about his day.

Ask for help

Admit when you don’t have the answers and ask for help. To do this best, you also need to monitor and document behaviors.

Monitor and document: keep a log of behaviors. (Our school has a daily behavior chart that is sent home and I keep them all in a binder)

Ask for input. Give the list to a heath care provider or therapist.

Maybe an extra sensory break is needed. Maybe it was just a crappy week? Maybe Mondays are just hard after a weekend and we should just change our expectations for that day or add extra support?

After you have asked the questions, monitored and documented behavior, together you can adjust how you do things if needed.

Seek Encouragement

I know I am not suppose to let my child’s bad days get to me… but they do. Sometimes, I take it personally: I blame myself, doubt, second guess my judgement or just feel like a “bad” parent.

There really is only one thing that helps this: encouragement from others. I text my friend about my son’s lousy week. I expressed how tired I was, and the doubt I was feeling. She quickly rebuked it. She called me out. She told me I was an excellent mom and that doubt creeping in… it wasn’t from God. We all need friends like that.

Another mom, older whose children are grown, overheard my conversation at a women’s conference. She told me about her two children: one perfectly well behaved and mannered the other was in the principal’s office on a weekly basis. This other momma, beautiful, strong and seasoned, had experienced similar struggles and doubt. You know what she told me: it will be okay. She now has two grown law abiding children that love her.

I hope you too can find encouragement. Perhaps, maybe by reading this right now.

Celebrate the good

Even after a crappy day or week; Especially after a crappy week; celebrate the good.

Make time for a date night with your spouse. Have a movie night snuggled under the covers with the whole family. Say I love you to the moon and back. It’s not a reward for bad behavior, it’s a reminder of our unconditional love: we won’t let the bad days define our children … or us.

We aren’t there… yet.

This is hard for me. Sometimes I want everything fixed right now. Sometimes, I want that A honor roll, well mannered, perfect kid. (PS that kid doesn’t really exist… and if he did he would be boring and not near as funny as the kid I actually have.)

We are in a “still figuring it out” season. Our therapist even told us, she was happy he was getting into “trouble” more. It was because he was attempting to be more social but not being successful …yet.

There is power in… yet.

Dear Momma,

Though you doubt and are filled with insecurities: You are enough.

Though you don’t have all the answers, you can be an advocate for your child.

Though you fall and stumble, you can get back up.

Your child’s successes nor failures do not define you as a parent.

You are tired and worn out; take time to fill yourself back up. Read. Rest. Regroup.

Most of all, give yourself a little grace.

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

2 Corinthians 12:9

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