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Get Out of Your Head

Coffee, cookies, and quiet time. (Okay, it’s not quiet… my kids are watching cartoons)

Memes and jokes aside, many of us are facing uncertainties that evoke fear and anxiety. I am not exempt. This year I had been reading lots of books on simplifying, being intentional, and creating healthy rhythms. A few weeks ago, I started this book with a friend: Get Out of Your Head; Stopping the Spiral of Toxic Thoughts. I have an internal monologue running in my head pretty much non-stop so this book seemed like a good fit. I paired it with a bible study for Lent: Made for This; 40 days to Living your Purpose.

This week the chapters and lessons actually hit the nail on the head addressing the way many of us might be feeling.

We have a choice.

We can interrupt our toxic thoughts.

We can choose to be grateful.

We can choose to see beauty.

We can choose joy.

“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.”

Philippians 4:4-9 ESV

(Just to add perspective, Paul wrote this while in prison with a death sentence on his head)

But how? Here are a few practical things I have been doing to stay out of my head:

Stay busy. I’m a homebody anyways, but I have little projects around the house I’ve been doing. I’m gardening, cleaning out the kids closets, and organizing. I even set up a little “work from home” area.

Rest and Routines. I’ve been making sure I get enough sleep and taken a few naps with my kids. I’ve tried to stay on a typical schedule as much as I can. Even on a regular Spring Break, I have to keep regular wake up times, and routines.
Exercise. Personally, I hate exercise. (I made a C in PE once.) But I do enjoy walking, gardening, and being outside.
Write. Writing is my method for getting out of head. Even if no one reads this, that’s fine; I write mostly for me.
Connect. I’ve been text messaging friends more often than I usually do. I’ve called to check on family. And mostly talking with my kids. My 3 year old is currently saying I’m her best friend.
Reduce the noise. While I use social media to connect to friends, I have limited the time I spend online. Also, I’ve only been checking the news twice a day. And not at all after 8pm.
Watch. We have been watching family movies each evening. This helps me stay off my phone or news at night. Plus, ending the day snuggled up on the couch is awesome.
Read. Bible books in the morning but fiction later in the day. Currently reading the fiction book The Great Alone by Kristen Hannah on kindle. It’s set in the 70’s as a dysfunctional family attempt to start a new life in Alaska.

What are you doing to stay out of your head?

Resources:

Get Out of Your Head:Get Out of Your Head: Stopping the Spiral of Toxic Thoughts https://www.amazon.com/dp/1601429649/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_LzJDEb7JBXA05

Made for This: Made for This: 40 Days to Living Your Purpose https://www.amazon.com/dp/0785229078/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_MAJDEbTSG47ZS

The Great Alone: The Great Alone: A Novel https://www.amazon.com/dp/1250229537/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_vxJDEbVCBPD5J

My word for the year 2020: simplify

I’ve been simmering on my word for the year for awhile. I really get into words. (I’m a little nerdy that way) In the past, my word has always been a verb, and action I can take. And I pair it with a Bible verse to focus on.

2017 Breathe.

2018 Thrive.

2019 Persevere.

My life is really good, but I still struggle with being overwhelmed, worn out, wanting to do more, help everyone, be all the things and have “it” together. Our culture puts a lot of noise in our lives too. My life is full of “stuff” and I just want to live simply and fully this year.

My word for the year: simplify. Because what God expects from me is quite simple and I love how The Message phrases it:

“But he’s already made it plain how to live, what to do, what GOD is looking for in men and women. It’s quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love, And don’t take yourself too seriously— take God seriously.”

Micah 6:8 MSG

And God does not want me to be overwhelmed, worn out, or wrapped up in my self.

Do what is right

Love being kind

Live humbly

Micah 6:8

Simplify isn’t just what I need to remove, pair down, or make simple. It is also what I want to add to my life: simple things. Things that are good and needed.

Simplify: make (something) simpler or easier to do or understand.

Simplify my home (organization and less stuff)

Simplify our routines and schedule (simple charts, extra time, less rush)

Simplify my faith (more focus, prayer, bible study, church community and journaling… and for me that means print bible studies and my paper Bible)

Simplify my social media (less time scrolling and only meaningful posts.)

So I’m planning to simplify daily and craft the life I’ve been given.

My recommended reading for simplifying

Live in Grace Walk in Love by Bob Goff
When Less Becomes More by Emily Ley
A Simplified Life by Emily Ley

Is there anything you would suggest for me to read?

Schedules, Routines, and Charts, Oh My! Creating Structure During Summer

How to structure your unstructured time, aka summer, from a mom still trying to figure out this crazy thing called parenting.

Why so much structure?

Most young children benefit from visual schedules, behavior charts, and are comforted by routines. Pre Kindergarten teachers are rockstars at this! However, some older children benefit form similar charts, especially those on the spectrum or with behavioral struggles.

My son, who is on the autism spectrum, can go maybe a day or two with less structure. And I can wing structuring just one day at home without a chart. But we have to have a chart to make it the store or even church without a battle. So anytime we have a three day weekend or school break, I have to bump up the structure. Without this structure and routine my child struggles with anger, obsession behaviors, living in his own world (introverted and not communicating) and bathroom accidents.

Creating Better Structure

I thought I did a good job providing structure last summer, but I didn’t plan enough social interaction with kids his age. (My best friends have babies or toddlers And other school age play dates fell through) However, When it came time for my teacher in service (two weeks of training), he bounced from relatives houses during the day without a set structure. And this left him a mess for the first day of school. And our first few weeks of school were… hard. Like epically HARD. My main goal for summer structure is to make the transition back to school less difficult.

Flexible structure

I love structure. I meal plan and lesson plan like a pro! (Only one of those do I have official training in though! And if ever given the chance, I could be completely unstructured and binge watch Netflix with the best of them. ) However, I told our ABA therapist that we struggle with creating such a set structure and then becoming locked into it and not being able to flex and bend. Y’all I have a two year old too. Sometimes things just don’t go as planned! So she gave us some recommendations, and I incorporated them into my planning. One such suggestion: using a white board instead of printed charts; It’s easier to adjust. I opted for chalk board charts and chalk paint pens, but it’s the same idea.

Setting priorities

My chart and routines need to be:

Flexible yet structured

Have planned bathroom breaks (this works for both kids… I’m about to start potty training my two and half year old… Lord help me!)

Give choice and variety at meal time but provide comfort by knowing what to expect. And create less whining at meal time. Yay! (Two year old needs this too!)

Include scheduled social activities

Provide daily outings, but plenty of time at home to stay caught up on cleaning.

A way to monitor behavior through set expectations and self regulation.

So, in an effort to curb undesirable behaviors and include both academic activities and social activities on a daily basis in a flexible, realistic, and manageable manner, I created these basic routine charts.

Meal Charts

I’ve done something like this before only with color bins for each food group and he could pick one item from each bin. But since my son can read now, this worked perfectly.

Breakfast: pick one item off the breakfast shelf plus milk or yogurt. No whining for juice!

Lunch: he gets his standard peanut butter sandwich or crackers plus a protein snack, fruit snack and then chips.

Dinner: A dinner item (my choice) plus his choice of a fruit snack. I do let have a reward for trying new foods… but that’s another post.

An organized pantry

I organized my pantry to reflect theses menu options. Now, my son wants me to add labels to each shelf on our pantry… well maybe. I also moved less desirable food options up higher and hidden in bins. Less whining but without labeling them as bad. I did create specific times we could have them… snack time or as part of healthy choices!

I’m insanely proud of this. Even after a week and a refill on groceries, this organization system works for me.

Daily Routine Chart

I began thinking about our normal flow and just added times. To keep it flexible I just wrote morning activity and afternoon activity. This way each day I can change the activity but the routines are the same. I added a little bit of free play time and movie time to save my sanity. I planned in bathroom breaks and specific times to stop and talk about behavior. (See behavior chart below)

Nap time: so this is where I had to stretch myself. Typically my daughter’s nap time is when my son gets to watch TV, and I get free time to read, write, whatever. I didn’t want to completely give this up, so I’m setting the expectation that he must complete one academic activity (math worksheet, journal, sketch pad drawing, etc.) that I sit one on one with him for. (10-30 minutes at most) And then he can pick a video for the following hour. So… I’m trying!

We wrote this the other day: it took twenty minutes. Heaven bless his teachers!

Weekly Routine Chart

Homeschool mommas are probably better at this than me. If I don’t plan outings and activities, I think I would just stay at home and then blink and a week would have passed and we would have done nothing. This was the best I could come up with. I’m working around my 2 year olds much needed nap time. So the simplest way was to plan an AM activity and PM activity. And we need at least one social outing each day. And I can mix it up each week while some items won’t change.

Behavior Chart

So… I had to actually ask our ABA therapist for a recommendation. Over spring break our strict behavior chart based on tasks was actually locking us into certain activities. And then my daughter got walking pneumonia… again. (She has asthma and week lungs) So my son had a few fits when activities changed. She recommended a self and match behavior system. (And we modified it a bit to fit our needs) Instead of being task based, like many behavior charts we tried before, we list three desired behaviors which can change each day. And after each activity we reflect and “match” I ask how he thought he did; sad face, smiley face or middle face. (We added the middle face) Then, I respond by saying how I thought he behaved. Each smiley face earns two points. But if our faces match… if he acknowledges he did not meet expectations he still gets one point. 5-6 points earn a star. Two stars earn a 5 min break (right now he likes The Pokémon game). Basically this system isn’t all or nothing. And it’s more about reflection to actually create a change in behavior. I keep a chart at home but can recreate it on a whiteboard or paper if we travel. Our ABA therapist is making us a laminated version for travel too.

My simplified version without the grid. And yes, we had one day at the start of summer where we just cleaned the house. It was a mess!

There is so much more to this method than my modified, but works for us, version. Want more info on the self and match system:

The Self & Match System: Systematic Use of Self-Monitoring as a Behavioral Intervention (With Digital Forms)

Instructions

Perseverance

Basically, this is a LONG post to say I’m really trying to stay structured. My word for the year is persevere. Not because I’m a quitter, but this kind of stuff is hard. And we have seen so much improvement, but I don’t foresee a time when this won’t be some variance of hard. My husband bought me this book called Persevering Parent as a gift for us to read together. (Quite the romantic gift right?) I completely acknowledge that not every kid needs this type of planning and structure, but mine does so I’ll do my best to give him what he needs. And I want to share what I learned, because I can’t be the only one!

Schedules, routines, and charts, oh my!

Welcome to Voices of Special Needs Blog Hop — a monthly gathering of posts from special needs bloggers hosted by The Sensory Spectrum and Mommy Evolution. Click on the links below to read stories from other bloggers about having a special needs kiddo — from Sensory Processing Disorder to ADHD, from Autism to Dyslexia!

Want to join in on next month’s Voices of Special Needs Hop? Click here!

The Balls I Let Drop

Can I tell you a secret… I’ve been dying to post pictures of my Christmas decorations on Instagram. Seriously, I can’t wait for people who haven’t ever stepped foot in my house to tell me how beautiful my Christmas tree is. How self absorbed does that sound?

But I haven’t because I’ve had to let some balls drop the over the last two weeks.

Week before last my kid and husband got sick. Then I did too.

And because when it rains it pours, it was also a busy week at work. And let’s not even mention the behavior regression that led me to have talk to my child’s school principal and behavioral specialist not once… but three times in two weeks. And not to place blame, but once my husband recovered, he had to get caught back up at work. I felt like I didn’t see him for three days.

All this from a cold. A tiny evil virus that morphed into an infection. Blah!

I also had several friends get sick. ‘‘Tis the season, right? One was a new mom of a four month old trying to “balance” work and a sick baby. And then of course a sick self. What is it about families sharing germs?

We text back and forth and she asked me to pray for her. She was wearing too many hats and felt like she she was failing at everything. She just couldn’t find balance.

Truth 1: We women a great multitaskers, so we often think we can do it all. But we can’t. Let’s just admit that right now. At least not every day and all the time. If you are juggling to much to are bound to drop something eventually. Times of sickness, even a minor cold, can wreak havoc on that balance we have think we have.

Truth 2: finding balance between work, home life, friends is NOT a one time thing. It’s a constant battle. An every day effort. And some days are more balanced than others.

So, how do we cope? How do we navigate life when we want to be awesome at everything all the time but just can’t be?

1. I get by with a little help from friends. Feel free to burst into song

Truthfully, it’s a group effort.

I have co-workers who cover for me. Set up lesson plans for me and tidy my desk on days when I give up and finally take a sick day.

I have a group of friends I text for prayer. Those who I admit to on days when I can’t even.

My husband is my best friend. But when our ship goes down, we typically go down together. Why can’t I be sick and just be me so I can be taken care of?

I’ve also cultivated a very small group of mommas. The kind that give me a fist bump and say, “Solidarity, sister.” When I need someone to vent to because my kid kicked a teacher and now I feel like a terrible mom.

And other friends who simply text me when it’s a jeans day at work. Because nothing helps you get through the day like comfy jeans.

Another friend offered to pick up medicine and dinner for me. I declined, because it was a cold… not the flu or some other plague. But that offer was real and full of kindness.

Tip: if you are in a good place at the moment. Be that kind friend! They are the best!

2. Choose the balls you want to let drop. I’m being real here. If you have too much on your plate, pick what can wait. I’d rather do that, otherwise something will get dropped and it might be something more valuable.

Last week, I let the dishes drop. Yep, the dishes sat in the sink for, gasp, a week and nobody died.

Last week, I left the clean laundry in baskets and piles on the couch.

Last week, I admitted to my work team I was drowning in my own stuff. I asked permission to delay something I always did for them. They let me. They still like me. I hope!

Last week, I told my principal and head of curriculum I was “under the weather” but I would get them those dates they needed next week. I did get them what they needed, but I did it when I was more focused.

Last week, I didn’t help my son study for a spelling test nor did we decorate our school/family gingerbread man project. I focused on his behavior expectations instead. We prayed together, snuggled and talked. That, my friend, has value. He did get his gingerbread man turned in… two days late.

Last week, I set aside my grading and got caught up on my rest. I took a sick day and binge watched a new show and slept. They students all survived a day without me.

Last week, we ate take out and mix matched random stuff from the fridge. But no one went hungry.

If I did this forever, it wouldn’t work. But it was just a week. And the hardest part was setting aside my pride.

This week, I’m rested. I’m mostly caught up on grading after three nights of staying up late. I feel physically and mentally in a better place. I’ll work towards maintaining some appearance of balance and eventually get it together. I might even see my husband this weekend.

I plan on cleaning my house this and posting my my Christmas decoration pictures. But I’ll add an asterisk: last week, I let the balls drop.

Sister, what balls can you let drop this week? What hats do you feel comfortable not wearing for a bit so you can feel more balanced? Can you give yourself permission to not be picture perfect?

A Dinosaur Tale: Moving Beyond the Baby Book

Can I just start out by saying I suck at completing baby books. I really like the idea. I still have my own half completed baby book from my own mother. And it’s my only reference to what I was like as a wee one.

With my son, I made a good effort, but I found myself dreading it like a chore. Even being snarky on occasion with my responses: sleeping through the night… nope, I’ll never sleep again.

That said, when I was pregnant with my daughter, I knew I wanted a different way to document her childhood. I read blog ideas… but nothing stood out.

Then, she arrived 6 weeks early. During our short hospital stay in the NICU, I grew close to her nurses. Especially the night nurses. You see, in the final days of our stay, I woke up every three hours to walk down the hall and feed her. As I held this tiny baby, the nurses would fill the silence with instructions on how to care for a baby, but they also shared stories of their “miracle babies.”

One night, I asked what they liked best about their job. In response the nurse asked if she could show me a picture on her phone. But before I saw the picture, she told me that 15-20 years ago when Beanie Babies were popular, the hospital provided one Beanie Baby for each child. That toy sat next to them in their incubator. There parents took pictures of their baby with it: a tiny baby who looked giant next to this miniature stuffed toy. A few parents, continued to take pictures with these Beanie Babies as their baby grew and was eventually discharged from the hospital. Then, they took pictures at each milestone, with that Beanie Baby close beside.

After this brief story, the nurse reached into her pocket and grabbed her phone. She said, “I recently received this picture from a former patient.” It was a tall boy, standing in full cap and gown, obviously a graduation picture, holding a tiny Beanie Baby.

“Wow,” I thought. Besides giving the nurse a reminder that what she did mattered, it gave game me hope for my baby and an idea: take pictures at each milestone with a specific doll or toy.

I didn’t have much time or energy to find that perfect object.

Seemingly, the next day, they offered to let us go home. We quickly bought a car seat that was rated to carry a 4lbs baby, cleaned out our car, and that is where I found it: my son’s $1 plastic dinosaur.

“This could work,” I thought. As I placed this perfect tiny baby into her car seat, I placed this dinosaur next to her. Right then, I got my first milestone picture: coming home from the hospital.

Each few weeks, each weight check, each new month, I took her picture with this dinosaur. It wasn’t a chore; it was a joy. I loved taking photos and this seemed meaningful.

One year has gone by, and I have loved every picture with our “shrinking dinosaur” as my social media friends quickly named it. Though taking pictures of a crawling baby has gotten harder! Lots of blurry photos.

I look forward to the day when my own daughter stands in her cap and gown holding that tiny dinosaur. I look forward to capturing more moments that matter.

I challenge you to find a fun, stress free, cost free, way to document the meaningful moments as your child grows. Maybe you will do that traditional baby book, a journal, or even writing a poem. Or maybe this inspired you take pictures with a tiny toy, a family heirloom, or while standing under a special tree. I don’t think it’s the object that matters… it’s the growth of the child!

“Being blessed isn’t about things always being right, situations always going your way, or always having everything you want. Being blessed is about having the knowledge and faith that when nothing goes as planned, things are not right, and the going is tougher than you expected, you are loved by an immeasurable God, and surrounded by a loving tribe of family and friends who will support you, weep with you, and celebrate with you in all situations. It’s not about the things you have, but rather the love you feel.” – my thoughts after 5 days of having a baby in the NICU #blessed

https://radioactiveelephant.com/2017/01/202/