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This isn’t a “mom” blog. It isn’t a “religious” blog either. It’s not a “how-to” article, a “10 ways to know that..” or a recipe box. I’m not selling anything or judging anyone. This blog won’t win a teacher of the year award. It won’t solve all your dinner time problems. This blog is mostly for me. It is the outward expression of my inward monologue. Read More

When Quiet Time isn’t in Season: Ideas and resources to help you stay in God’s Word.

My quiet time isn’t super fancy. It isn’t Instagram picture perfect, despite my coffee cup pictures. It isn’t an hour long. But my quiet time is authentic, part of my daily routine, and fits my season of life. But I’ve seen friends hit a difficult season and the first thing that drops is time spent in the Word listening to God’s voice.

A three years ago I wrote about my quiet time not being quiet. (Link to blog post) All of that still applies, and a bit more; I’ve got another kiddo so it’s even more joyful (aka louder) around my house.

I have a beautiful friend and new mom who wrote about her adjustment to quite time after a baby. (Link to post) In her reflections, she found that God renews her strength even in her current sleep deprived season. I couldn’t agree with that more!

I’ve also seen the opposite. Friends who after a new baby or a tough season say “I can’t have a quiet time anymore. I can’t go to Bible study. I’m too busy. Too tired. I just can’t find the time. I’ll get back to it eventually.”

This makes my heart hurt because I’ve been there. Maybe it’s also because my quiet time hasn’t always been consistent.

I’ve had long periods of time where I wasn’t in the word every day, where I felt disconnected from a community of believers, and I made decisions based solely on my own judgment. Consequently, those periods are marked by moments of least joy, my least productivity, and feeling like like a ship without a sail.

There shouldn’t be a season for listening to God’s voice.

There are seasons to life. But listening to the voice of your God, your creator, isn’t for a specific season. It should be as important and as routine as being able to take a deep breath.

Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

Matthew 11:28-30 MSG

So how do I stay consistent?

1. Put aside preconceived non biblical notions of a quiet time. I grew up with a Southern Baptist Church Camp idea of quiet time: set aside a hour, be alone, be outside. Well, Jesus did go off to be alone from time to time. However, he didn’t set a timer. Waking up early, setting aside an hour is awesome but if your current season all you can manage is 15 minutes locked in the bathroom or 20 minutes during your commute, don’t feel guilty. Maybe you can’t swing daily, but five days out of seven you set aside to study. Maybe you can’t be alone. Maybe you need to study at the kitchen table while your littles are eating breakfast. Give God the time you have. Guilt stops us in our tacks. When the season changes, adjust and give more.

2. Build a community. Some call it having mentors, accountability partners, or discipleship but I call it my village. You know, the first ones you call or text when you need prayers. My hardest times have been when I wasn’t a part of a local community of believers (aka a church). Maybe yours is a Bible study group, or you text your BFF from college, a coworker or a Facebook group. But we all need someone to breathe truth into our lives.

3. Use the resources available. I remember when my only resource for bible study was a teen study Bible with a concordance or a Beth Moore Study. (Both awesome by the way) We are blessed to be in a generation with access to more: online bibles, online studies, a plethora of female Christian authors and studies. I’ve listed my favorites at the end of this post below.

4. Set realistic goals and be okay when you struggle. So, I’ve tried to do those Bible in a year studies before. I typically fall flat on my face in March. Between reading Leviticus and Deuteronomy during what I would call the hardest month for teachers, I get so far behind, I just quit. I need to admit it’s too hard, and set reasonable and achievable goals. A more achievable goal is just being in the word every day. Start one study and finish. Then another. Even if I don’t finish on the exact time table laid out. I’m an English teacher, and I have a twenty book challenge for my students: read twenty books in the course of a school year. But even those who don’t reach twenty typically have read more than the year before. They improved. The same goes for Bible reading: read a little bit more than before, know a bit more, be a bit stronger.

5. Respond in a unique way. Annotate, journal, sing, write, use colored pens! Okay, the colored pens is optional but truthfully the brain processes information better when we respond: talk it out, write it down, make notes. My mother’s bible was filled with notes in the margins. My digital bible has highlighted notes. My good friend does creative bible journaling. (Link here) IF Equip Bible study also offers creative ways to respond to the question of the day. However you choose to respond, those responses serve as a sign post of your thinking. I’m encouraged to keep going when I see where I’ve been.

You may have days when you get busy. Or a week of craziness where you forget. It happens. But hard moments are when you need truth the most. Make hearing from God part of your daily routine so when those hard moments come you aren’t scrounging around and grasping for nuggets of truth because they are already hidden in your heart.

Resources

A Good Bible
1. She Reads Truth Bible – I had a Teen study Bible in High school, An Oxford Annotated Bible in College. This is my season for a beautiful, easy to read Bible. This one is perfect. It has built in study plans and devotionals.
Online Bible Studies (I use the APPs on my phone)
1. IF Gathering/IF Equip – The app is super easy to use (and FREE) and you can respond through comments to a community of believers. The studies are engaging, current, and have deep, thought provoking questions. They also sell their studies on paper if you prefer.
2. She Reads Truth – The app has several plans available for free, but I subscribe for a monthly cost less than a cup of coffee. Current plans are free online. I love the images they have and the lock screens you can add to your phone to help you memorize scripture. They also have BEAUTIFUL print studies. I typically only order those for Advent or Easter.
3. YouVersion The Bible APP– An oldie but a goodie. Besides having the entire bible digitally and in multiple translations, they also have a plethora of plans of study you can try.
Print Devotionals & Bible Studies
1. Savor: Living Abundantly Where You Are, As You Are – This is the kind of Devotional I can go back to year after year. It’s year long but it’s short and perfect to pick up when you are in between studies.
2. 100 Days to Brave – Annie Downs writes more towards a single woman’s life, however I love her heart. I bought this devo for my sister in law.
3. Proven:Where Christ’s Abundance Meets Our Great Need – I did this study with a fiend. It’s really good. All of Jennie Allens’s studies push you to go really deep. I would love to do her newest study: Made for This: 40 Days to Living Your Purpose
4. Unshakable: 365 Devotions for Finding Unwavering Strength in God’s Word – I haven’t done this one yet – but it’s on my wish list!
5. Seamless:Understanding the Bible as One Complete Story I haven’t done this study but I have had friends who have – perfect if you want to gain an understanding of the Bible as a whole.
6. Looking for Lovely – I read the book but they study just goes deeper and ask questions. Perfect for a group to do together.
Inspiring Books, Audio Books & Podcasts: I use Audible for audiobooks from my favorite authors and listen to podcasts. (Note: I’m not really a podcast person, but it fits my season with littles and driving in the car so I’m trying) I realize that an inspiring book or podcast might not fit into your idea of “quiet time” but I have found that ANYTHING that put my thinking on God can ignite my passion and love for him. Always balance the voices of others, even inspiring people, with scripture.
1. I would recommend Jen Hatmaker (she narrates her own books and is hysterical) – A little over a year and half ago my 13 month old daughter was hospitalized with RSV and pneumonia. We were in the hospital for a week. I wasn’t sleeping. I was non stop holding her and woke up by nurses. This wasn’t the best situation for a traditional Bible study, but I needed some positivity. I downloaded her new book on Audible: Mess and Moxie: Wrangling Delight Out of This Wild and Glorious Life . I laughed, I cried, I prayed, I stayed positive in a disheartening situation. Her podcast is pretty awesome too. It runs the gamut between serious theology questions (such as the episode with Bob Goff) or just for fun (clothes recommendations, book series and reading lists). And because it frequents notable guest speakers it’s always exciting.
2. Any author you love but don’t have time to read their book: audio book! Some of my favorite inspiring authors are: (This in no way is a complete list, but it’s a few of my recent favorites)
  1. Shawna Niequist – Present Over Perfect:Leaving Behind Frantic for a Simpler, More Soulful Way of Living I loved this book so much I’m excited to read next one: Bread and Wine: A Love Letter to Life Around the Table with Recipes
  2. Christine Caine – Undaunted: Daring to do what God calls you to do (I haven’t read yet, but it’s on my wish list)
  3. Angie Smith – Chasing God – I love Angie’s heart a raw vulnerability.
  4. Annie Downs – Looking for Lovely There is a few chapters that changed my thinking: I watched the sunrise as I read Psalms and I painted my toenails as I prayed! (Also a bible study edition available )
  5. Rachel Hollis – Girl, Wash Your Face: Stop Believing the Lies About Who You Are so You Can Become Who You Were Meant to Be – A little edgyer, but she kept it real, and very motivational. She has a new book out I want to read: Girl Stop Apologizing.
  6. Emily Ley – Grace, Not Perfection: Embracing Simplicity, Celebrating Joy – Her life seems picture perfect, at that’s hard for me to swallow considering I live in “hot mess” zone. But if she needed grace, I do too. I took away nuggets of truth from her, including starting a photo memory spot to reflect on my joy.
  7. Chip and Joanna Gains – The Magnolia Story -Their story is beautiful and inspiring. They speak openly about the moments the listened to God’s voice. Plus, the narrate the audio book so if you listen it feels like they are your friends and you are just hanging out.
  8. If you notice, I kinda have a theme going: simple living, celebrating joy and being who you are designed to be. But you really can and should curate your own list.

What books, devotionals, or resources would you add to the list?

The Beauty Between

I have a confession: I’m not that trendy. I’m not an early adopter. In fact, with most trendy things, I give it about a year before I even try them. High waisted skinny jeans were popular and even my middle school students were wearing them, but once I realized they held my “mom” tummy tight: BAM, I was all on board. Same goes with music, maybe a student recommends something or my hipster husband sends me a playlist. But I’m never the first to discover anything.

It’s not new, but I’ve been listening to Kings Kaliedscope’s Album the Beauty Between. (It’s like two years old now) It’s been on repeat since summer depending on my mood. The lyrics go like this:

I couldn’t wait for the summer
But now I’m missing the spring
And I exhausted the winter
Craving what it couldn’t bring
Painting the world to be hopeless
Painting it perfect and fine
Put what I want on the canvas
Every color I design
How do I hold all of the discord?
All of my answers collide
Fightin’ for progress in quicksand
There’s no truth between the pride
Nobody sees all the pieces
Tricky to balance a beast
I am a pendulum swinging
Still I know You’re holding me

When the sky is falling, when life is a dream
I fortunately fall into the beauty between
Only God above me, painting my scene
I fortunately fall into the beauty between

I sometimes worry I only write about the hardships of having a child with special needs. Yes, there are hardships. Yes, I have learned more and had to be stronger than I ever thought possible. Yes, my life is a rollercoaster ride of highs and lows. But I would really like you to the see the high points and the Beauty Between.

The ear to ear smiles
The big hugs
The abounding laughter
The silly poses
The relentless giggles

Autism can feel like trying to put a square peg in a round hole. Or comparing apples to oranges and your kid is a pineapple. While I want my child to be a functioning member of society, to comply with rules, and to have empathy for others, sometimes I really do like that he is square pineapple.

I like that he memorized lines to movies and books before he could speak in self created original sentences.

I like that he remembers… everything.

I like that he will hold me to a checklist.

I like that he sometimes speaks in a British accent for no reason. Or Australian. (Or at least no reason that I understand)

I like that he has his own little world. When he tells me stories of that world, it’s like I’m there. I love his stories.

I like that everything is an adventure with him.

I absolutely love my child, not in spite of his special needs, and not because of it either. I love him because he is unique; that uniqueness is ingrained into his very core.

So, what I want you to know is this: your child having special needs is not the worst thing that could possibly happen. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, you will grieve the life you thought you would have had. Yes, you will have days where you want to scream or pull your hair out or BOTH!

And yet, I will continue to write about the low points, the struggles, the challenges and share any strategies that might help others.

But I don’t want you to miss the Beauty Between.

When the sky is falling, when life is a dream
I fortunately fall into the beauty between
Only God above me, painting my scene
I fortunately fall into the beauty between

Welcome to Voices of Special Needs Blog Hop — a monthly gathering of posts from special needs bloggers hosted by The Sensory Spectrum and Mommy Evolution. Click on the links below to read stories from other bloggers about having a special needs kiddo — from Sensory Processing Disorder to ADHD, from Autism to Dyslexia! Want to join in on next month’s Voices of Special Needs Hop? Click here!

Mom, I had a bad day

Recently a friend of mine asked, “What should I do when my child does something wrong?” She is a great momma with a young son with autism. He has had the diagnosis for two years, is receiving therapy weekly, and has a fabulous kindergarten teacher and support staff at school. So I think what she really wanted to know was, “How do I respond when my child, who is struggling to learn acceptable social behavior, misbehaves at school? And how do I handle the guilt of not being a perfect parent?”

It would be easy to pretend like I’ve got it all figured out. I’m a teacher and I’ve seen misbehavior in the classroom that stems from trauma, emotional issues, ADHD, autism, or a learning disability. Logically, I know misbehavior doesn’t mean “bad kid.” But at home, my story still sounds like my friend’s. I’m still asking questions. I still feel the doubt and insecurities of worrying if I’m doing the right thing. Yet, I’m battling these questions and doubts as I’m daily trying to be an advocate for my child.

Advocate:

a person who pleads for or in behalf of another; intercede

I am not an expert, just a mom. My family is not new to the diagnosis of autism. We have behavioral charts, visual schedules, modifications, and a team of loving caregivers to help teach my child how to behave in a way that is suitable to the classroom environment. But we still have bad days. So I get to practice this on a daily basis from a parent perspective. And practice makes perfect, right?

Imagine it’s one of those bad days. You get the dreaded note or phone call… your child hit/kicked/name called/refused to work. You might even be asked to come pick up your child if it’s been especially rough day. The long walk to the principal’s office. The shame of not being a perfect parent with a perfect child. You may feel judged… even when you are not.

Deep breath, momma. Don’t give a knee jerk response. Just breathe. And these are a few things you can try:

Ask questions

Ask to be told exactly what happened. Was the note home unclear? Send a follow up note or email asking what you would like clarified. Don’t jump to conclusions.

Personal example: My kid had a terrible Monday. It even started out bad at home too. When told he was having a meltdown at school, I immediately placed blame… on myself. That weekend has been unstructured. He spent the night with my in-laws so I could have a date night. I knew he was frustrated that morning. Basically, I guilt tripped myself without even asking what happened at school to set him off.

Whether you jump to place blame on yourself, the teacher or even your own kid:

Wait.

Ask questions.

Investigate further.

Walk it out.

Take a walk and ask your kiddo to talk about it. Why was it a bad day? What was the hardest part? How did you feel? How can we respond better next time?

Let’s be real here, if your child struggles with communication, this might be hard. So I ask questions then wait for a response. If there is none, I model my own self talk. “We don’t hit our friends, even when we are angry.”

So we just walk and talk.

I’m sure my coworkers have seen me walk my kiddo in the hallways asking deep questions. This is the same approach I take for my students as well. Conversations have value.

Sometimes we even wait until the next day before asking if it’s been an especially tough day.

Time In

At my house, we do Time In instead of time out. Like time out, you find a safe spot away from others to reflect on your actions. Unlike time out, this isn’t an independent activity. A parent or caregiver guides you through reflection and even a calming activity.

Example: My good friend’s son was diagnosed with Aspergers at a young age. Even trips to the store were a struggle to maintain socially acceptable behavior. She would hold him close, calmly whisper in his ear that she loved him, spoke a bible verse, then restated the expected behavior.

This is by far my favorite way to handle misbehavior in public. My parents were a leave the store and you’re getting a spanking when we get to the car type, so this is new to me and I get frustrated more than I would care to admit. But there is NO one who can speak ill of you lovingly redirecting your child. It stops the behavior, calms them, and redirects. (Ideally, it works… epic sensory meltdowns can be way harder.)

This concept reinforces the concept of unconditional love I want to be felt in my child.

I’m sorry notes

Okay, this may seem lame but this has been really successful for us.

I understand hitting and kicking during a meltdown. It’s not okay, but I get it. However, any time my child has hit or kicked in either a meltdown or as purposeful response, it’s not okay. Hurting people even if we don’t mean to has to be addressed.

Example: We write I’m sorry notes. At first, I would write them and he would draw a picture. Then he was able to start writing his name. Now, he can write an entire sentence. The whole time we discuss expected behaviors, what we might do differently next time, etc.

And selfishly, my favorite part is that, the child, teacher, or person effected knows we are trying. Trying to do better, trying our best, trying even though we aren’t always successful. (Can you hear the echoes of my mom guilt?)

No double punishments

When my nephew gets in trouble at school, he gets grounded at home. While this is an excellent concept for a typical kid who only struggles occasionally, this sucks for us. We believe in no double punishments. We will talk it out, address the issue, write I’m sorry notes but I’m just not doing double punishment. My home life would deteriorate and my child would be scared to talk about his day.

Ask for help

Admit when you don’t have the answers and ask for help. To do this best, you also need to monitor and document behaviors.

Monitor and document: keep a log of behaviors. (Our school has a daily behavior chart that is sent home and I keep them all in a binder)

Ask for input. Give the list to a heath care provider or therapist.

Maybe an extra sensory break is needed. Maybe it was just a crappy week? Maybe Mondays are just hard after a weekend and we should just change our expectations for that day or add extra support?

After you have asked the questions, monitored and documented behavior, together you can adjust how you do things if needed.

Seek Encouragement

I know I am not suppose to let my child’s bad days get to me… but they do. Sometimes, I take it personally: I blame myself, doubt, second guess my judgement or just feel like a “bad” parent.

There really is only one thing that helps this: encouragement from others. I text my friend about my son’s lousy week. I expressed how tired I was, and the doubt I was feeling. She quickly rebuked it. She called me out. She told me I was an excellent mom and that doubt creeping in… it wasn’t from God. We all need friends like that.

Another mom, older whose children are grown, overheard my conversation at a women’s conference. She told me about her two children: one perfectly well behaved and mannered the other was in the principal’s office on a weekly basis. This other momma, beautiful, strong and seasoned, had experienced similar struggles and doubt. You know what she told me: it will be okay. She now has two grown law abiding children that love her.

I hope you too can find encouragement. Perhaps, maybe by reading this right now.

Celebrate the good

Even after a crappy day or week; Especially after a crappy week; celebrate the good.

Make time for a date night with your spouse. Have a movie night snuggled under the covers with the whole family. Say I love you to the moon and back. It’s not a reward for bad behavior, it’s a reminder of our unconditional love: we won’t let the bad days define our children … or us.

We aren’t there… yet.

This is hard for me. Sometimes I want everything fixed right now. Sometimes, I want that A honor roll, well mannered, perfect kid. (PS that kid doesn’t really exist… and if he did he would be boring and not near as funny as the kid I actually have.)

We are in a “still figuring it out” season. Our therapist even told us, she was happy he was getting into “trouble” more. It was because he was attempting to be more social but not being successful …yet.

There is power in… yet.

Dear Momma,

Though you doubt and are filled with insecurities: You are enough.

Though you don’t have all the answers, you can be an advocate for your child.

Though you fall and stumble, you can get back up.

Your child’s successes nor failures do not define you as a parent.

You are tired and worn out; take time to fill yourself back up. Read. Rest. Regroup.

Most of all, give yourself a little grace.

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

2 Corinthians 12:9

Welcome to Voices of Special Needs Blog Hop — a monthly gathering of posts from special needs bloggers hosted by The Sensory Spectrum and Mommy Evolution. Click on the links below to read stories from other bloggers about having a special needs kiddo — from Sensory Processing Disorder to ADHD, from Autism to Dyslexia!

Inlinkz Link Party

2019: Let’s do this!

I like watching zombie movies and other dystopian fiction. I always try to figure out how long I would make it in the same senecio. I mean, I figure I would make it past the first wave of attacks. But as soon as I got hurt, the temperature got too cold, I had to sleep outside or go without a snack for more than 5 minutes… I would be done. I would die of a cold or something lame.

I’ve never thought of myself as physically tough. I wanted my word for the year to be strength. I want strength! Because the going has been tough in some places.

Like in the last couple of months. Back to school time, as both a teacher and a mom, was arduous for sure. Then, challenging behaviors, setting routines, teaching social skills to my 6 year old with Autism… yeah that’s been kinda hard. Well, not terrible, but just hard enough to disappoint me and interfere with my plans. One crappy school drop off, then I’m late for work. Again. And my two year old developed asthma. In general, I’ve been pooped on, thrown up on, coughed on and had plenty of minor mommy type setbacks to my daily routine.

However, I’ve got a bunch of wonderful parts of my life. Actually, it’s all beautiful. It’s just been a rollercoaster ride. Success and then regression. And I keep waiting for it to get easier. But seriously, I’m not sure it is supposed to be easy? Who said life was intended to be all ups and no downs?

But that’s what you say to new moms isn’t it? “Don’t worry. It gets easier.” And while you grow as a parent and gain experience, I would challenge that and say, it doesn’t get easier. Once you master one challenge, you get a new one to figure out. And then another.

Conflict and challenges. Isn’t that what makes a great story? The main character overcoming obstacles along their journey. Epic tales are filled with conflict and adventure.

Maybe life is just hard sometimes? No reason; It just is. And maybe it allows me to write an interesting story. I really need to quit comparing because…

“It’s rough all over Pony Boy.” -SE Hinton The Outsiders

It really is. Everyone has their own battles. But sometimes I fail to see past my own story, or I compare my situation to others far to often and create my own disappointments.

This year, I had a friend whose son suddenly started having seizures. Test after test and months of investigation, And then he had to have brain surgery. Her ten year old son had brain surgery! It was scary! (Now, he is doing amazingly! He is all good, and this NYE they celebrated life, goodness and the abundance they have been given. Yay!)

I’m just saying “NO” to easy this year. I’m not even hoping for easy, but I do want to persevere. I want to persevere in the tough times but also in the mundane, day to day, ordinary life challenges.

Persevere: steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., especially in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.

I think I’ve said, “I’m done.” Like a hundred times this last month. But I can’t be done. I may need strength, but really I just need to keep going. I gotta persevere!

Go back?” he thought. “No good at all! Go sideways? Impossible! Go forward? Only thing to do! On we go!” So up he got, and trotted along with his little sword held in front of him and one hand feeling the wall, and his heart all of a patter and a pitter.” -Tolkien The Hobbit

I can’t control the ups and downs of life, but I can control how I react.

I want to write my own beautiful story.

I want to listen to the stories of others.

I want to see the beauty and abundance in the hard pathways.

“You crown the year with a bountiful harvest; even the hard pathways overflow with abundance.”

Psalms 65:11 NLT

My simple goal: Read, Pray, Persevere and Guide

Read stories of those who have been there before.

Pray not from relief of daily challenges, but for the strength of spirit in difficult situations.

Persevere and refrain from saying “I’m done.” Go forward!

Guide Others when I am able too. Because we are in this crazy life together and sometimes I’ve got something someone else needs to hear.

2019: Let’s persevere! Then, maybe even I, can survive the zombie apocalypse.

My January Reading List:

Finish Girl Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis (I have like 5 chapters left)

The Lucky Few by Heather Avis

The Best Yes by Luda Terkurst

The Balls I Let Drop

Can I tell you a secret… I’ve been dying to post pictures of my Christmas decorations on Instagram. Seriously, I can’t wait for people who haven’t ever stepped foot in my house to tell me how beautiful my Christmas tree is. How self absorbed does that sound?

But I haven’t because I’ve had to let some balls drop the over the last two weeks.

Week before last my kid and husband got sick. Then I did too.

And because when it rains it pours, it was also a busy week at work. And let’s not even mention the behavior regression that led me to have talk to my child’s school principal and behavioral specialist not once… but three times in two weeks. And not to place blame, but once my husband recovered, he had to get caught back up at work. I felt like I didn’t see him for three days.

All this from a cold. A tiny evil virus that morphed into an infection. Blah!

I also had several friends get sick. ‘‘Tis the season, right? One was a new mom of a four month old trying to “balance” work and a sick baby. And then of course a sick self. What is it about families sharing germs?

We text back and forth and she asked me to pray for her. She was wearing too many hats and felt like she she was failing at everything. She just couldn’t find balance.

Truth 1: We women a great multitaskers, so we often think we can do it all. But we can’t. Let’s just admit that right now. At least not every day and all the time. If you are juggling to much to are bound to drop something eventually. Times of sickness, even a minor cold, can wreak havoc on that balance we have think we have.

Truth 2: finding balance between work, home life, friends is NOT a one time thing. It’s a constant battle. An every day effort. And some days are more balanced than others.

So, how do we cope? How do we navigate life when we want to be awesome at everything all the time but just can’t be?

1. I get by with a little help from friends. Feel free to burst into song

Truthfully, it’s a group effort.

I have co-workers who cover for me. Set up lesson plans for me and tidy my desk on days when I give up and finally take a sick day.

I have a group of friends I text for prayer. Those who I admit to on days when I can’t even.

My husband is my best friend. But when our ship goes down, we typically go down together. Why can’t I be sick and just be me so I can be taken care of?

I’ve also cultivated a very small group of mommas. The kind that give me a fist bump and say, “Solidarity, sister.” When I need someone to vent to because my kid kicked a teacher and now I feel like a terrible mom.

And other friends who simply text me when it’s a jeans day at work. Because nothing helps you get through the day like comfy jeans.

Another friend offered to pick up medicine and dinner for me. I declined, because it was a cold… not the flu or some other plague. But that offer was real and full of kindness.

Tip: if you are in a good place at the moment. Be that kind friend! They are the best!

2. Choose the balls you want to let drop. I’m being real here. If you have too much on your plate, pick what can wait. I’d rather do that, otherwise something will get dropped and it might be something more valuable.

Last week, I let the dishes drop. Yep, the dishes sat in the sink for, gasp, a week and nobody died.

Last week, I left the clean laundry in baskets and piles on the couch.

Last week, I admitted to my work team I was drowning in my own stuff. I asked permission to delay something I always did for them. They let me. They still like me. I hope!

Last week, I told my principal and head of curriculum I was “under the weather” but I would get them those dates they needed next week. I did get them what they needed, but I did it when I was more focused.

Last week, I didn’t help my son study for a spelling test nor did we decorate our school/family gingerbread man project. I focused on his behavior expectations instead. We prayed together, snuggled and talked. That, my friend, has value. He did get his gingerbread man turned in… two days late.

Last week, I set aside my grading and got caught up on my rest. I took a sick day and binge watched a new show and slept. They students all survived a day without me.

Last week, we ate take out and mix matched random stuff from the fridge. But no one went hungry.

If I did this forever, it wouldn’t work. But it was just a week. And the hardest part was setting aside my pride.

This week, I’m rested. I’m mostly caught up on grading after three nights of staying up late. I feel physically and mentally in a better place. I’ll work towards maintaining some appearance of balance and eventually get it together. I might even see my husband this weekend.

I plan on cleaning my house this and posting my my Christmas decoration pictures. But I’ll add an asterisk: last week, I let the balls drop.

Sister, what balls can you let drop this week? What hats do you feel comfortable not wearing for a bit so you can feel more balanced? Can you give yourself permission to not be picture perfect?

Dear Church, I Don’t Need Your Special Needs Ministry

As a church volunteer over the years, I’ve seen the trends: youth ministry, singles ministry, recreation ministry, and most recently special needs ministry.

It sounds awesome, right? Let’s make our churches more inclusive. Let’s be more sensory friendly. Let’s educate our staff on developmental issues. All of these are great things and worthy of discussion in our churches.

But there I was as a “special needs” parent waiting.

Waiting for the church to change.

Waiting for my visit to a new church to be easy.

Waiting for MY needs to be met.

Just waiting for it not to be so hard.

We attend church on a semi regular basis. (I say semi regular because I chicken out on many days when staying home and resting is just easier. I love Jesus and his people, but… let’s be real here. )

We bring noise blocking headphones for worship, the same ones my son uses at school.

We go to a contemporary service, so a dark room, bright lights and loud music mean we sit near the back.

The Sunday school teachers are informed: there is a label on his name tag that says “Autistic. Prone to seizures.”

For the first time my son was able to attend VBS. It wasn’t easy. I volunteered so I could be close by and help with bathroom breaks. At one point, I broke out in a dead cold sweat from the anxiety. (Bathrooming a sensory kid in public is a challenge)

I skip church on days I know the schedule will be wonky or there won’t be childcare. (Many churches think kids over 4 should join their parents in corporate worship. Great in theory… but… not for my family.)

I leave as soon as the service dismisses or I sneak out the side to avoid the the large crowd gathered to fellowship. Even though my deepest desire is to join in the conversation, my kid pulls me to the car.

When will going to church not be so much work?” I wonder?

I’m caught in the tension between wanting the world to change to make my life easier, and pushing myself and my son to be self sufficient in a world that will never be easy.

I talked to our children’s minister before we started attending our current church. I’ve even been asked to be on a discussion group for special needs ministry by a dear friend who is a children’s minister at another local church.

What do you need,” they always ask?

A buddy for your son? A sensory box? Do you want to talk to the Sunday school teacher?

I don’t need programs. But well trained volunteers/buddies are awesome!

I don’t need a sensory friendly VBS track. Though they sound so cool!

I don’t need a special class. But dude, a support group would be amazing!

I don’t need sensory play boxes. My kid climbs me, rocks in my lap, and touches my hair. If you would like to volunteer to sit with my kid every once in awhile so I could focus, I would gladly accept.

What I do need:

I need relationships. I need a buddy, sometimes more than he does. I need someone to notice me and really ask me how it’s going and how they can help. I need someone to instead of saying, “Looks like you have your hands full.” To offer to walk with me and my kids to the car. I think if we trained our church staff and volunteers to invest in others, really go deep, we wouldn’t need programs. They would see the need and meet it. And special needs family are so unique, so diverse: each one has different needs. You would need to know each family individually.

I need trust. I need to trust the church so that I can be vulnerable enough to even ask for help or accept it when it is offered. Sometimes I still struggle telling people my son has special needs. He looks so typical on the outside to the untrained eye. This kind of trust only happens when we build relationships. I don’t think it’s too much to ask to purposely build relationships with those families in your church you know have struggles.

I need to serve. As counter intuitive as it sounds, it follows Christ’s example. But, I don’t need to serve my own child. I fell into this trap before. I was in the baby room because my child was. Then, I moved to the toddler room. Next, preschool. Babies are cute but make me anxious. My giftedness are preschoolers and middle schoolers. Crazy… but true. And now I’m leaning into women’s ministry. I need church to be my respite care. Where I can serve and grow in areas of my own God given giftedness.

I need to be understood. Maybe this falls under relationship, but it’s also unique. I have several friends, but I only have two or three I call or text when my kid does something unique to his situation that breaks my heart or wears me down. They never compare, or say it’s not that bad, They just say, I’m here for you. Understanding and empathy is hard. This is were training your staff, volunteers, heck the whole congregation, on Autism, ADHD, child development and similar needs would be extremely helpful. You know that kid bouncing the entire church service? He heard everything. He just processes information differently and this big loud room was a lot to take in. And you know how that kid seemed to be okay? After the big event, he kicked, screamed, and had a complete meltdown on the way home. He was overwhelmed and held it in as long as he could.

I need open and frequent conversations. I need to be checked up on. How did VBS go? How did Sunday school go? What was the hardest part? The best part?

I’m not waiting for the church to meet my needs. I’m showing up, even when it’s hard.

But sometimes the hardest things, those are the most beautiful.

At one point at VBS this summer, we attended the group worship and music session. I looked around and felt the tangible Spirit of God and his grace. It hung thick. The children and volunteers made a large circle, 200 plus, around the sanctuary. Most standing and holding hands. Shy of two boys in my group who wouldn’t hold hands, but danced beside me. Then, Two little girls who seemed too shy to join the group but sat joyfully signing. A boy with Downs Syndrome and his mom sat in the center. And my son, in the lap of his “buddy,” his headphones on, rocking to the beat. All of these singing or worshipping in their own way. That’s true inclusion. Not everyone doing the same thing in the same way. But everyone included, joined for the same purpose, each in their own way, bringing with them their own giftedness. No one even saw the tears in my eyes.

That day was beautiful, but many are still rather hard.

Dear Church, I don’t need your special needs ministry, but I really want the relationship.

I wrote this openly to the Christian church, and not an individual church. I feel if the Church embraces relationships over programs there will not be a need for “special needs” ministry. In fact, the needs of an entire congregation will be met together: the single mom, the widow, the big family, the college single and more. All the sensory boxes in your foyer won’t get me to stay if I don’t have a relationship with the people of the church.

As resources for special needs and general encouragement, I follow:

https://www.keyministry.org/

Key Ministry promotes meaningful connection between churches and families of kids with disabilities for the purpose of making disciples of Jesus Christ. Their blog posts are encouraging for both church leaders and special needs families.

@sandrapeoples

A special needs family encourager and author. Church leader and mom of two cool boys, one with Autism.

@theluckyfewofficial

Author and public figure: Down syndrome and adoption are her jam. The pictures of her kids will brighten anyone’s day.

@lifewithgraysonandparker & www.lifewithgrayson.com

Mom of two amazing boys with Autism. Seeks to find beauty in everyday life. Advocate for inclusion.

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